I’ve just finished the detailed outline of part three of the Season Finale and now I’m moving into the writing stage. Shouldn’t be too much of a task, since every other line on the pages say “they shoot at each other”, “they have a bad-ass gun battle” or something of that ilk. I imagine it’s much like the script of Episode III of Star Wars. Only with heart.

As promised, this week we bring you the next installment of our beloved character bios. Today, we focus on none other than the lovable Westheimer.

Name: Westheimer
Age: 50
Team: Counter-Terrorists
Position: Team Leader and Life Coach

Westheimer’s first taste of the warming embrace of law enforcement wasn’t from the same side that we know him from today. With the typical identity crisis you would normally associate with a pre-teen American-born boy with a whore of a mother growing up on the streets of Italy, Westheimer wandered the neighborhoods in search of a release for his pent-up aggression towards the rest of the world. He was emo before there was emo. How did he get there?

Born to a woman with loose morals and little sense, Westheimer was moved around a lot as a young boy. His father abandoning them when he was just a toddler, he learned how to take care of himself, and often took his anger out on other boys at school. Bounced out of day cares and pre-schools alike, his mother was left with few options as she lost job after job. One day, she received a call from a distant relative informing her that the aunt that had raised her was dying. Westheimer’s mother spent the last of her savings to move them and their minimal belongings to Europe by boat.

By the time he was in his pre-teen years, Westheimer was pretty much a delinquent. A vagabond. A vagrant. And whatever other word you want to use to describe a snot-nosed punk. On one particular fateful day, Westheimer had his first brush with the law.

Feeling the pangs of hunger after his mother had failed yet again to put food on the table despite the open-door policy on her bedroom, Westheimer nervously approached the market vendors on the streets of Italy. Reaching out his small sweaty palms, he started to grab pieces of fruit, vegetables, bread, whatever he could take. Suddenly, a strong hand clasped his shoulder from behind and turned him around to come face-to-face with a middle-aged police officer by the name of Adamo Russo. The man who changed Westheimer’s life.

Sergeant Russo immediately took Westheimer under his wing, acting as kind of a surrogate father to him. Russo taught the boy everything he needed to know about being a young man, from shaving to shotgunning beer to re-assembling an assault rifle in under five seconds. It was from the strapping Sergeant that Westheimer gathered his sense of honor, duty and leadership. The most memorable conversation of his life came when he and Russo smoked cigars together on the officer’s balcony. “Westheimer,” Russo grunted. “The most important thing a man can do in his life- is leave his impression on the life of another. Never forget that”. Westheimer never did.

Westheimer was transformed from a juvenile statistic into an active part of his community. He volunteered at orphanages, soup kitchens and the like. He was also extremely involved in his English-speaking school, becoming the classic over-achiever. Or as some would call it, a poindexter. By the time he was finishing high school, Westheimer was the captain of several extra-curricular teams, including the school tug-of-war team as well as the glee club. He was a mean tenor.

Through it all, Westheimer desired to become a member of the law enforcement brigade, to follow in Russo’s footsteps. During a summer internship, Westheimer was witness to a tragic event that would alter the course of his life forever. On a routine patrol with Russo as his guide, Westheimer pulled over a couple of suspicious looking characters. Unfortunately for him, they were small-time terrorists smuggling weapons over the border. Russo was shot and killed in the ensuing altercation, leaving Westheimer fatherless yet again. It was in the months after that Westheimer dedicated his life to counter-terrorism.

Naturally, the determined young man flew through the ranks of counter-terrorism training once he was back in America. With a discipline that few of his commanding officers had witnessed, Westheimer was dedicated to ruthlessly beating out his classmates in every pursuit, whether in the classroom, obstacle course or shooting range. Not surprisingly, Westheimer finished with top honors and soon began an illustrious and decorated career as a counter-terrorist.

Westheimer was married to his job on the force. He spent all of his energy day and night hunting down criminals and pursuing terrorism wherever it was hiding. However, he still felt empty inside. Having no wife to speak of or family to be in contact with, Westheimer began to feel a yearning. He remembered the lesson that Russo taught him about leaving an impression on the life of another person. Thus, Westheimer requested a rookie partner, someone that he could teach and mold into a great sidekick and teammate.

Jake Hudson was Westheimer’s first and only rookie trainee. After eight months on the job, Jake fell into a hacks addiction in order to improve his aiming skills, feeling they never matched up to Westheimer’s strict standards. Eventually, Jake was kicked out of the force and Westheimer was relieved of his post as instructor. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, he contemplated retirement.

What could he do to prove that he hadn’t wasted his life or his efforts? What could he do to make the people proud that sacrificed great things for him to get where he had gotten to? As he pondered all of these questions, Westheimer stumbled across a poster that was a shining beacon of hope. It was an advertisement for The Leet World. Yes. He could prove that he was a good leader. He could prove that he was a good man after all.

The Themetacular music contest is now locked and loaded. I’ll post the finalists (and honorable mentions) on Monday. A heads-up: only registered commenters can vote, and the results aren’t public. We did this to quell any kind of cheating or vote tampering. So if you want to vote, get registered. The Leet World is just like the real world in that way.

We’ll be doing audio for Episode 14 tonight. A big audio pow-wow, as it were. Screenies are coming this weekend, and even some audio outtakes for Episode 13 are on the horizon, as well.

And now, the bio that you’ve all been dying for. This week, we take a look at the life of Player. Sort of.

Name: Player
Age: ????
Team: Counter-Terrorists
Position: Team Meme and Real Noob

The thing about Player is that he is a walking internet meme. He is a lover of all things meme-related, including Rick Rolls, “All Your Base”, 1337 speak, lolcats and more. But what drives him? What is that thing in his background or boyhood days that has turned him into who he is? To be honest, we’re not sure. In fact, nobody even knows how old he is. On his application, under “Age”, he simply wrote “CAKE FTW PLZ?”

Though we don’t know much about Player, we do have access to his (mostly unreadable) application for The Leet World, as well as an interview that was conducted with him (and each of the contestants) prior to the writing of these bios. Through this, we’ve pieced together some general information about him.

For instance, his favorite food is lameburgers, his favorite drink is “I DRUNK UR MILKSHEK” and his favorite movie is Short Circuit… or at least we think it is, because he wrote “JONNY FIVE ALIIIIVE” in the blank next to that question. In addition to those things, Player enjoys activities like shooting his guns, watching TV and listening to prank phone calls on the internet.

Player doesn’t seem to remember much about his life as a child or even how he got his somewhat rudimentary counter-terrorist training and subpar lol-nade capabilities. Or perhaps he would just rather not discuss it. Regardless, when asked about where he grew up, Player had this to say:

Player: DUNNO WHO CAREZ N E WAY??

Interviewer: Can you tell us about your parents?

Player: DEY PROLLY NUBS LIKE J00. KEN I HAVE J00 PEN?

Interviewer: Um, sure… You don’t know your parents?

Player: K THX FOR PEN!!11! DAD OLD AND TALK LOTS

Interviewer: Tell me more about him- do you talk to him anymore? Player?

Player: WUT

Interviewer: What are you drawing on my face?

Player: BOOOOOOOBS LOLOLOLOLOL

Recent records indicate that Player joined a Washington Counter-Terrorism unit just over 6 months ago. He didn’t apply, he just showed up with some official looking papers, a feisty attitude and a curious child-like mind. While he often seemed to get poor marks for service, ineptitude, posting lolcat pictures on people’s desktops and harassing other agents, the general consensus is that people thought Player was very funny, if at times bratty.

Many officers liked his practical jokes. The most notable entry in his short career is when he confused a fellow agent by sending him to the “lollervator” to get to the “secret floor” where he would find “lollercoasters”. To this day, Player still believes that this secret floor in the CTU building actually exists, though millions of dollars of investigatory research would suggest otherwise.

Unfortunately for Player, he was a trickster one too many times. While saving a hostage during a training exercise, he promptly told a pregnant woman to “STFU PREGGER”, giving away his team’s position. When questioned by his captain, Player simply responded with “WTF SHE STOOPID”. He was suspended for a week, but Player continued showing up to work, trying to be friends with his co-workers and other agents, despite the captain demanding that he be sent home. Eventually, the captain was forced to let Player go from CTU. Oddly enough, the captain was fired two days later and Player was asked to join the force again, but his audition for The Leet World was already a hit with the studio execs, who offered him a position on the show.

Another excerpt from Player’s bio interview has to do with his motivations for being on The Leet World.

Interviewer: So why do you want to be on The Leet World, Player? What’s in it for you?

Player: $$$$$$

Interviewer: Is that it? Just money?

Player: I SUPOSD 2 BE IN LEET WORLD.

Interviewer: What do you mean “you’re supposed to”? Do you mean that you have to, because you lost your job?

Player: NOOOO U BE STEELIN MY BUCKIT!

Interviewer: Are you talking about the “lolrus”? That was a very funny joke.

Player: IT NO JOKE. DEY STEEL BUCKET. HE : (

Interviewer: Right. Would you like to continue the interview now?

Player: OMG TALK 4 EVER

Often before talking to Player, it becomes crucial to research any internet jokes past and present. Otherwise, you could be completely lost in the conversation. When he first applied for the show, the studio had to provide a translator to send messages between Player and the studio execs. These conversations were filled with many frowny faces, lots of exclamation points and even an STFU or two. All in all, though, Player was a hit and brought onto The Leet World for his unique sense of humor and his knack for getting into trouble.

Hopefully we’ll learn more about Player as he spends more time in the house interacting with his fellow cast members.

*For the purposes of this article, an internet meme is a joke-phenomenon that is transferred via the Internet, a series of plastic tubes, from user-to-user. Lols, to be more specific.

Also, today’s Daniel’s birthday. He’s old. Not really.

Like I said before, I was pleased with how everyone responded to Ahmad’s Biography last week. Hopefully, this week will be no different. Our next stop on the biography tour is Leeroy.

Name: Leeroy
Age: 21
Team: Counter-Terrorists
Position: Communications Nerd

Some of Leeroy’s earliest memories revolve around being able to hold a Sega Genesis controller in his chubby infant hands. While it was his father’s hobby, Leeroy often watched the colorful sprites zip around the television screen, fascinated by the way the little black plastic system could render the action that he was witnessing. His father, the computer programmer, an anti-social recluse himself, was eager to have something which would provide a bond between him and his offspring. He pushed the controlling apparatus for each gaming system into Leeroy’s hands one after the other, nursing a father-son pastime into something that would one day become an obsession.

The day that changed Leeroy’s life forever was the first day he experienced the joy of operating a keyboard and a mouse to kill computerized minions. With early 90′s titles like Wolfenstein 3D, Doom and Duke Nukem, Leeroy soon abandoned the consoles for more civilized gaming ventures. With the help of his father, Leeroy assembled his first gargantuan gaming rig at 10 years old in anticipation of the release of Quake II. Soon enough, he was participating in the modding community, much to his father’s delight.

Leeroy’s love for modding and manipulating his favorite PC games easily translated over into other software. He began running multiple OS’s on a number of computers, writing programs, initiating protocols and all kinds of other technical jargon. Once the internet was introduced into his life, the young boy was surfing everywhere, gaining access to whatever he could, seeking more knowledge than he ever thought possible. And more cyber roleplay than he could have ever hoped for.

Beyond playing his first PC game, the second most momentous occasion of young Leeroy’s life occurred in the summer before his freshman year of high school, where he experienced his new love: Dungeons and Dragons. By the time he was 15, Leeroy was his school’s most renowned DM. His superb imagination combined with his love for fantasy made people feel that his stories were coming alive. Plus, he wore costumes.

At 17, Leeroy graduated early from high school after selling a program to several school districts that allowed them to integrate attendance programs with their online gradebooks. Using a backdoor into this process, Leeroy sold other students a chance to look at their grades, and for a small fee, he would change them. The gifted youngster was accepted into MIT after graduation— and that’s where fate took its turn.

When Leeroy was 18, something horrible and wonderful happened. Frigid Entertainment released its momentous MMORPG, World of Battlelore. Combining the two loves of Leeroy’s life, fantasy and gaming, the computer wiz was transformed into a shell of his former self. Using his beloved Wood Elf character, Leeroy rallied guilds and legions of fans, becoming the number 1 wood elf for his entire server. Forum posts were written, internet memes created, all while Leeroy’s grades fell off due to his lack of studies. It was there that he met his girlfriend, 22 year old Glrydmersh (can we buy a vowel please) from the Proddenia server.

Leeroy soon failed out of MIT with a terrible addiction to World of Battlelore and thousands of dollars left to pay in school fees. With nowhere else to turn, Leeroy had to enter the workforce. While working as a cubicle monkey in his first job, Leeroy was caught hacking into a government agency’s network— he was given a job in their counter-terrorism unit one week later. He primarily worked on communications analysis and did the occasional stakeout, managing to stay out of all of the action. Then one day, Leeroy saw an ad for The Leet World come across his desk. Beaten down by the long hours and his tremendous school debt, this new reality show could be the chance of a lifetime— the chance to put everything back together.