Wow. Episode 14 is going to be monstrously big. Orca big. Stay-Puft big. So big that it’s going to be an epic two-parter on our website, with the two segments being released a week apart from one another. And when we defeat it by crossing the streams, it will fall down on you with marshmallow-y goodness.
The Themetacular music contest is now locked and loaded. I’ll post the finalists (and honorable mentions) on Monday. A heads-up: only registered commenters can vote, and the results aren’t public. We did this to quell any kind of cheating or vote tampering. So if you want to vote, get registered. The Leet World is just like the real world in that way.
We’ll be doing audio for Episode 14 tonight. A big audio pow-wow, as it were. Screenies are coming this weekend, and even some audio outtakes for Episode 13 are on the horizon, as well.
And now, the bio that you’ve all been dying for. This week, we take a look at the life of Player. Sort of.
Position: Team Meme and Real Noob
The thing about Player is that he is a walking internet meme. He is a lover of all things meme-related, including Rick Rolls, “All Your Base”, 1337 speak, lolcats and more. But what drives him? What is that thing in his background or boyhood days that has turned him into who he is? To be honest, we’re not sure. In fact, nobody even knows how old he is. On his application, under “Age”, he simply wrote “CAKE FTW PLZ?”
Though we don’t know much about Player, we do have access to his (mostly unreadable) application for The Leet World, as well as an interview that was conducted with him (and each of the contestants) prior to the writing of these bios. Through this, we’ve pieced together some general information about him.
For instance, his favorite food is lameburgers, his favorite drink is “I DRUNK UR MILKSHEK” and his favorite movie is Short Circuit… or at least we think it is, because he wrote “JONNY FIVE ALIIIIVE” in the blank next to that question. In addition to those things, Player enjoys activities like shooting his guns, watching TV and listening to prank phone calls on the internet.
Player doesn’t seem to remember much about his life as a child or even how he got his somewhat rudimentary counter-terrorist training and subpar lol-nade capabilities. Or perhaps he would just rather not discuss it. Regardless, when asked about where he grew up, Player had this to say:
Player: DUNNO WHO CAREZ N E WAY??
Interviewer: Can you tell us about your parents?
Player: DEY PROLLY NUBS LIKE J00. KEN I HAVE J00 PEN?
Interviewer: Um, sure… You don’t know your parents?
Player: K THX FOR PEN!!11! DAD OLD AND TALK LOTS
Interviewer: Tell me more about him- do you talk to him anymore? Player?
Interviewer: What are you drawing on my face?
Player: BOOOOOOOBS LOLOLOLOLOL
Recent records indicate that Player joined a Washington Counter-Terrorism unit just over 6 months ago. He didn’t apply, he just showed up with some official looking papers, a feisty attitude and a curious child-like mind. While he often seemed to get poor marks for service, ineptitude, posting lolcat pictures on people’s desktops and harassing other agents, the general consensus is that people thought Player was very funny, if at times bratty.
Many officers liked his practical jokes. The most notable entry in his short career is when he confused a fellow agent by sending him to the “lollervator” to get to the “secret floor” where he would find “lollercoasters”. To this day, Player still believes that this secret floor in the CTU building actually exists, though millions of dollars of investigatory research would suggest otherwise.
Unfortunately for Player, he was a trickster one too many times. While saving a hostage during a training exercise, he promptly told a pregnant woman to “STFU PREGGER”, giving away his team’s position. When questioned by his captain, Player simply responded with “WTF SHE STOOPID”. He was suspended for a week, but Player continued showing up to work, trying to be friends with his co-workers and other agents, despite the captain demanding that he be sent home. Eventually, the captain was forced to let Player go from CTU. Oddly enough, the captain was fired two days later and Player was asked to join the force again, but his audition for The Leet World was already a hit with the studio execs, who offered him a position on the show.
Another excerpt from Player’s bio interview has to do with his motivations for being on The Leet World.
Interviewer: So why do you want to be on The Leet World, Player? What’s in it for you?
Interviewer: Is that it? Just money?
Player: I SUPOSD 2 BE IN LEET WORLD.
Interviewer: What do you mean “you’re supposed to”? Do you mean that you have to, because you lost your job?
Player: NOOOO U BE STEELIN MY BUCKIT!
Interviewer: Are you talking about the “lolrus”? That was a very funny joke.
Player: IT NO JOKE. DEY STEEL BUCKET. HE : (
Interviewer: Right. Would you like to continue the interview now?
Player: OMG TALK 4 EVER
Often before talking to Player, it becomes crucial to research any internet jokes past and present. Otherwise, you could be completely lost in the conversation. When he first applied for the show, the studio had to provide a translator to send messages between Player and the studio execs. These conversations were filled with many frowny faces, lots of exclamation points and even an STFU or two. All in all, though, Player was a hit and brought onto The Leet World for his unique sense of humor and his knack for getting into trouble.
Hopefully we’ll learn more about Player as he spends more time in the house interacting with his fellow cast members.
*For the purposes of this article, an internet meme is a joke-phenomenon that is transferred via the Internet, a series of plastic tubes, from user-to-user. Lols, to be more specific.